*headscratch*

     Been a while, hasn't it? I don't know, I'm just tired. This was supposed to be an every day thing, and that's not exactly happening. :| Ain't it?

Starting Fresh

Like a tomato. Why, I don't even like tomatoes. But, I just want to have a fresh start. That doesn't seem to be working. I just really want to just break free from my life, and yes go on an Eat, Pray, Love or something. A road trip. Yes. A road trip. Two weeks, driving wherever, whenever. But, more than that, I want to assess my friendships. I feel like I've never made a friend of my own. Well, I want to find my true friends. I just spent the past 30 minutes typing out this huge thing about my friendships over the years, but decided not to. At this point, I think if I were to take a road trip, it'd be a family trip. Family as in my closest friends. I want to see how we'd survive. Maybe, I should take an all gal trip as well. I keep bouncing between gal pals, it's not even funny. So, at this point, I'd take Lynn, Isannah, Thea,  and Jean. I think that's it for my friends who are female. Time to narrow that even farther after this trip. If I ever take it. If I do, I'll be starting fresh. No one will know who I am, heck I don't know who I am. So, won't this be fun.

Apologies: Part Duex

Work. Work. Work. That's all I hear and see now. Fun = Sleep I feel so old.

Apologies

       My apologies, I didn't write yesterday. Why? I was dancing. For 2 hours. I was tired, had homework, had procrastinated. You get the gist. So, yeah. That's how that goes.

Sick to the Stomach

       My stomach is in knots over the crossroad, people think I'll just continue on the path that's paved and straight, the one I'm supposed go to. I would suffer immensely on that path, as it's long and tedious, and well, it's miserable. But there's another path, it's a bit crooked, a bit longer, but it has benches, guides, and seems happy. But there's another path, one I hadn't assumed until now.
       It might be shorter, might be longer, depending on how you look at it. But I'm afraid. I'm afraid of not taking the safe and miserable road. If I keep taking that road, then I'll doom the ones around me. Or, they won't notice anything at all. This blog was supposed to be happy, but it seems like a portal for angst. Ugh. Anyway, if I take the middle path, it seems like I'll suffer. If I take the slightly crooked and longer path, I might be happier. But the one that is completely to the side is also looming.
       I'm feeling sick to my stomach over a decision to make, and what's worse? I feel like I have to make it alone.

A Crossroad of Confusion

       I can pick out "auras" quickly. I can usually tell if I will like someone or not, just be looking at them. It's strange. It usually works. Not all the time, but usually. I've been at this place for a little bit more than a week, and I can tell there's something funky with the aura. Where I was, I cannot go again but, I wish there was a next best thing. This doesn't seem so at the moment. That does seem like it would be a place where I would be happy, but there are problems with this and that. All the more to make me stressed with.
      I wish I could go back there, not this or that, but there, I cannot go back to. Only this or that. Sadness and denial fills my mind. I have the urge to draw depressing things. But, what is truly depressing or sad? I have no idea, really. This is going to be a problem. A BIG problem. And I have dance auditions on Tuesday. Joy to the world.

Don't Turn Back Now That We're Here: Part Deux

       Just headed home from my audition. Goodness, I know I should be more prepared, but I wasn't because that's just who I am. I leave EVERYTHING to the last minute. Yeah, like how I didn't know my acting cut until like 20 minutes before? Uh huh. Yup. I'm so smooth like that. SMOOTH. Anyway, I'm hoping for the best. :)

Don't Turn Back Now That We're Here

      No matter how historically inaccurate that movie is, Anastasia is still one of my favourite movies ever. (Soundtrack, animation, etc.) Anyway, there's a song "Journey to the Past", and it goes "Heart don't fail me now, courage don't desert me, don't turn back now that we're here!" Anyway, I hope I remember that at my audition tomorrow. :P (I still can't sing. But I can try, right?) Maybe I am getting my groove back. Boom, baby!

Denial

When it gets stressful, I'm in denial. And I get stressed quite often. So, I'm in denial quite often. At least I don't deny that.

Vox Humana

       I can't sing. That's the truth. I can't sing, yet I'm audition for a musical. The irony, eh? But anyway, maybe this might help me on my whole little path to wherever-I'm-headed. But, I still can't sing. Ha. Anyway, I feel much less cynical than yesterday, so that's better. Much better.
       Anyway, how was life today for you guys? Mine? Stress. Stress. STRESS. STRESS. But, that's life. I guess I just gotta suck it up, because I wanna conquer today. Let alone tomorrow. What happened to those days when the only thing we cared about was missing Spongebob or getting the corner brownie? Now people care about missing the Kardashians and their diets.
       Maybe I should turn this into a comic, but I can't draw well. :| Maybe I should hire someone? Ha! No, I'm broke. And why would I hire someone if I don't have a job? Ugh, I spent my summer reading adventure books, but never having an adventure of my own. I realised by the end of summer, I had only been outside for four days. FOUR. That's sad. That's miserable. That's it for today. I have to go do more work. And maybe I should practice singing as well. Not like it will help.

That Insane American.

      This will be a stream of consciousnesses of sorts, as I found out., that's the only way I can write. Just blurting out every single detail that comes to mind.

Imagine you're in a fancy train. Everyone who is anyone on the train gossips about me. "Did you see that insane American?" And now you're talking to me. And I'm whining. Of course I'm whining. Everyone needs to whine. It's true.Why a fancy old train? Because I like them. I have absolutely no idea why I wrote that. But, it'll stay.

Well, anyway, life is harder than I thought. Much harder. I've lived this life where I was around the same people for years. I grew up with these people, and now leaving them, I feel like I've left me. I'm no longer the person I was before.
        I don't even have the urge to pick up my pencil and draw or go on the phone and have a long chat about little things. I don't feel like myself anymore. So, the point of this blog is to be a sort of "return to happiness" for me. The title itself, "Balloons and Fancy Trains" makes me smile a lil' bit when I read it. I love balloons and fancy trains, as well as adventure books. Sometimes, I wish I can pull an "Eat, Pray, Love" and just go away and do things I've always wanted to do and find my own person.
      You know what? I was supposed to do a personality chart thing, and I didn't even know myself. You know what I did? I looked up my Myers-Brigg and basically copied down what was there. Yes, I don't even know myself enough to fill out some simple questions. If you're wondering, I'm an ISTP, who is supposed to be this adventurous and gutsy person. That's who I was before, before this. At least on the outside. Or the inside. Sometimes. Just sometimes. You have to realise that.
        Sometimes I feel so "I'M ON TOP OF THE WORLD!" and sometimes I feel like "Who am I kidding? This sucks. I suck." I swear, I have multiple personality syndrome. I spent about my entire summer reading adventure books, and so I want to go on one of my own. Just escape all of this, but then one side of me says "Stay here. Stay here. You'll be lonely and sad without the people that you know." Yes, it's true, new people scare me. And I haven't been a new person in a while, so now I'm scared of myself. I'm no longer my persona, the person whom everyone thought they knew. They thought they knew me.

BUT NO.
       
        No one knows me. I'm just a, just a, no one. Not even I know myself. Am I this person I was portraying? Wait, I had many personas, one for every situation. But which one is me, huh? WHICH ONE? I HAVE NO IDEA WHO I AM! I have to look up my personality type! Do I have no personality at all? Am I just... nothing? No, I'm not. No, I'm not. No, I'm not. I think I'm going delusional. Well, what can you expect from me? I'm That Insane American, and this is my first impression on the world.